Retrospecticus: 2014

From The Simpsons Season 7 Episode 25, "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

2014 proved to be a very interesting year in my life, much like it was for many of you I'm sure.  One thing that I have come to realize about myself is that I am not very good at planning for the future or setting goals (I really never have been).  For example, starting back in January of this year I had set a goal for myself to read one book a month for the year.  That lasted until March...

For this reason, I am glad that I work in a field that looks backward and analyzes the things that have already happened and try to glean the useful bits that can be applicable to us today.  So in this vein I will attempt to do the same thing with my life this past year.

For the most part when people ask me, "What's new?", my response tends to be the same: "Nothing much."  I've discovered that when you have a steady job and no children, there really isn't much to report as far as changes are concerned.  My weeks seem pretty repetitive, but not in a bad way, more in just a settled routine kind of way.  Of course this is all on the outside of life.  In the inner workings of my brain there have been a plethora of thoughts and "changes" that have occurred this past year, but it would be incorrect in Southern Evangelical Christian culture to respond with, "Well, I've been teetering on the brink of atheistic nihilism this week, but other than that, everything's great!"  So for those of you that are interested in the dark recesses of my inner-life, here is my personal analysis of my 2014 and the object lessons that I have learned.


1. I have very wonderful friends and I am certainly not worthy of their companionship.  These people come from very different walks of life, but they all have exemplified for me so many positive aspects of living a good life and showing kindness to others.  Why they continue to associate with me, I do not understand, but I am eternally grateful that they do.  

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."   - CS Lewis


2. My Millennial sense of entitlement is a total lie, and I'm not as special or gifted or talented as I've been led to believe.  This was made very apparent when I attended the Society for American Music conference in Lancaster, PA back at the beginning of March (and my Facebook rant on my wall is proof positive of said sense of entitlement).  Folks in the older generation have gotten to where they are from years of hard work and determination and not just because they are gifted and have a degree from an expensive private university.  And whatever expertise I think I have pales in comparison to many others.  If we want to succeed in this same way, whether through academia, the private sector, or personal entrepreneurial-ship or craftsmanship, we need to be willing to slug through the dredges of the bottom and continue to work in excellence until our work speaks for itself.  Either that, or become a survivalist and go off the grid completely (one of my life goals) or just work for the government and turn your brain off for good (Count it!)  And in those times where I feel like the "work" I do is insignificant, over-looked, or unappreciated, I have to kill that entitlement mindset and humble myself, knowing full-well that we will always reap what we sow.  In the meantime, I will be thankful for a good job and a good boss.  The former is hard to come by and the latter is becoming a thing of legend.  To have both, like I do, is a miracle.

“Lord, when I feel that what I'm doing is insignificant and unimportant, help me to remember that everything I do is significant and important in your eyes, because you love me and you put me here, and no one else can do what I am doing in exactly the way I do it.”  - Brennan Manning


3. There is nothing wrong with self-improvement or trying to make yourself a better person, just don't get upset when you fail.  We tried an experiment with a multi-level marketing company between June of 2013 and August of this past year and failed pretty miserably at it.  But I do not look back on it with disgust, mostly because I learned a lot of things along the way that I've found applicable to my other ventures, so here are some bullet points from this lesson:

• There are 3 types of belief: personal, pervasive, and permanent
• When it comes to dealing with self-doubt, log and dispute all irrational or untrue thoughts
• There is no such thing as perfection, just perfect effort
• Always take action when you feel fear.
• Every obstacle is an opportunity to be an overcomer
• Know thyself, and know your "why" - especially when someone tries to persuade you that a 10 hour car ride through the night for a weekend conference will be worth it in the end (for me this was 50/50 and the hits were good hits, but the misses far-outweighed the hits).  
• Only God is capable of raising the dead, so if God is not in something that you think will be death, there is no hope of a resurrection.

“Every great improvement has come after repeated failures. Virtually nothing comes out right the first time. Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success. ” - Charles F. Kettering
    

4. I attend an amazing church.  Reflecting back on my 7+ year attendance at The Village Chapel here 
in Nashville, I am overcome with thankfulness and gratitude towards the Pastoral staff, the leadership,
the volunteers and parishioners, and I thank God constantly that He led me there in a time of great need.  
No church is perfect, of course.  Even the church that I am so thankful for has its foibles and shortcomings, but the beauty of this church is evident in its daily portrayal of God's grace bestowed on all of us miserable sinners.  I am challenged to live in faith, abide in that amazing grace, and be a beacon of light and love to a dark and loveless world.  I am thankful for the men and women who share in my struggles and allow me to share in theirs, and I am reinvigorated by God's mercies which are new every morning.  I know that there a lot of people all across the world that have lost a lot of hope for humanity in recent years.  Might I encourage you to give Christianity a first or second or third look?  It provides the same diagnosis for humanity as secular humanism, but unlike this naturalist worldview, it also prescribes the cure.  And the best news is that this cure has been readily available for almost 2000 years, and the hospitals and pharmacies that dispense said cure are accepting new patients every Sunday (at the very least).

"If you live today, you breath in nihilism ... it's the gas you breathe. If I hadn't had the Church to fight it with or to tell me the necessity of fighting it, I would be the stinkingest logical positivist you ever saw right now."  - Flannery O'Connor


5. I am a very selfish person.  I liken myself to Gollum from the Lord of the Rings.  Though I do not
aspire to have many earthly possessions and dedicate my life's work to the allocation of stuff, the things
that I do own I hold with clenched fists.  My home, my creature comforts, the things I worked hard to 
purchase over the years are "my precious", and the thought of losing said things to fire or theft sometimes
keep me up at night.  This, of course, is a ridiculous mindset to have.  As victims of tornadoes or floods 
are normally told when trying to be consoled, "This is why you have insurance." or "It's just stuff.  The 
important things that matter are that you and your loved ones are alive."  Herein lies the weakness of a 
creature of comfort.  For someone such as myself I consider my comfortable and familiar "way of life"
as being more important than "actual life".  It was for people like me that Jesus would say, "Go and sell
all of your possessions and give them to the poor and come follow me.  Let me show you what is truly 
important in life.  Watch for yourself and see what it actually means to live."  These are hard truths to 
accept while you cling to your "precious" while sitting in your warm home far-removed from the ills of 
society.  Somewhere in his story, Smeagol had a life and an identity that was defined by his words and deeds.
All of this he gave up for the one ring.  When we dwell in our caves clinging to our creature comforts, and 
scheming ways in which to ensure the safety and protection of our things at the expense of murdering our
selflessness and empathy, we become more beast than human with each passing day.  As I type these words,
I pray that my grasp on "my precious" lessens so much to the point that if I were to lose it all I could respond 
like Job with, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."   

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”  - The Hobbit


6.  I have been afraid for a long time to share my music with the world again.  After the self-letdown of the release of my 2006 album, enduring the rigors and financial burden of a formal education, and my release upon graduation into the abysmal desert that was the music industry in 2008 (or the job market in general at that time), I had lost all hope for a future as an artist.  I stopped writing music.  Of course I did small projects here and there as were available for extra income or as favors for friends, but none of these projects shared in the same creative process as new personal compositions.  Fortunately for me, my brain would never truly let me quit.  For the past 7 years I have been jotting down ideas, creating themes, or singing melodies to myself, even composing full productions in my mind.   And for the past 2 years, these scraps of musical ideas have been concentrated into one unified story.  But even as the work itself is coming to fruition, that is only half the battle as a musician or songwriter.  The other half of the battle lies with the outside world, and it is this half that has me terrified.  What has been amazing to me this entire time is that for the past 7 years that I have been in self-selected hiatus, God has put me in places of performance.  I have performed in recording sessions, shows, professional symphonies and worship services.  I have placed myself before audiences of family, friends, students, strangers, and the paying public without dread and with full confidence.  But the caveat for all of these performances has been that none of this had been original to myself.  It is in the work of others that I can hide in plain sight, because my own worth is not dictated in the public's opinion of the performance.  When you perform your own music, it is here that you are naked and vulnerable.  It is here where your thoughts and emotions are presented for the world to scrutinize, criticize or praise.  And this is just one side of an ugly coin.  The other side contains the logistical nightmares of recording costs, venues, gigs, players, PR, merchandise, branding, payments and the like.  This side of the ugly coin is what often keeps many musicians out of the profession, or even trying to get into said profession.  But Christian creatives have a unique facet to their work, for it is through this work that they can share the Gospel and encourage others to do the same.  If you were created with a gift in the arts, what use is that gift if it is not shared with others who may not have that gift and/or may be looking for that one particular song, painting, novel, etc. to draw inspiration from or be inspired or comforted by that only exists within you?  Perhaps all of the experiences, trials, accomplishments, tribulations and life lessons learned in the shadows of secrecy combined with the people and places provided by Providence have been tempering you and your creative work for weeks, months, years and are all leading up to this very moment?  Perhaps "you have been raised up for such a time as this?"  So what do you do?  Do you stay in your cave and continue to hide while the gift you've been given acts more like a curse since it gnaws away at your mind for lack of use?  Do you make a feeble half-hearted attempt only to test the waters while flying the banner of "run away and live to fight another day?"  Or do you trust in God and face the fear of failure, knowing full-well that the work you do for God is never in vain?  As my pastor often likes to reiterate, when one has a healthy fear of the Lord, he/she need not have an unhealthy fear of anything else.      

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"  - Vincent Van Gogh


7. I have a wonderful wife.  And I am not just saying this to win brownie points or awes from any readers.  I am saying this as a reminder to myself of a fact.  She is wonderful.  In the nearly 12 years that we have been a couple (7 married), she has done amazing things, and often with little or no help from me (sometimes interference from me).  But most importantly, she has never failed to love me.  She has never wavered in her commitment to me.  She has remained true to her vows.  She has proven to me and to the rest of the world that she can be trusted, that she can keep her word, that she lives her life in truth and love, and that she is fully committed to one man, regardless of how foolish or undeserving of her he may be.  Though she may be wonderful she is certainly not perfect, but had she been perfect she would have never maintained company with someone as obviously imperfect as me.  The beauty of our matrimony lies in the overcoming of each other's faults through mutual effort by each other, mutual submission to each other, and total obedience to God.  And though I may fail to uphold my end of the bargain from time to time, she has learned forgiveness and demonstrates mercy.  She imitates Christ, which is the ultimate calling of all Christians.  I do not sing her praises nearly enough to do her legacy any justice.  She knows who she is and to Whom she belongs.  And though neither of us can foresee the future to come, we shall both boldly meet each new day with the assurance of each other's devotion, and will peacefully rest each night in the comfort of each other's love.    

"It is hard to find a good wife, because she is worth more than rubies.  Give her the reward she has earned; she should be praised in public for what she has done."  - Proverbs 31:10, 31 (NCV)



There are many other lessons that I learned this past year, but like most presentations that I give this has rattled on long enough.  I have presented it in public form so that my own words can be used against me as for those times in 2015 when I begin to forget.  Confession is good for the soul, yes, but accountability (even in the smallest forms) keeps us on the wagon.  If you are like me and have trouble with resolutions or making plans without much follow-through, maybe this year you become reflexive and learn from the past, apply those lessons to the present, and maintain them through the future with someone else's help.  Rinse and repeat, and I would expect that each new year will seem less intimidating than the year being left behind.  That, and it might keep you from joining a gym.

I Wonder: A Reflection for Christmas

Last night at church we read the account of the infancy narrative of Christ's incarnation from Luke chapter 2.  For anyone unfamiliar with this particular passage, this account includes the multitude of angels in the sky appearing to shepherds as they were watching their sheep that particular night.  Often this passage has brought about much scrutiny over the actual feast day of the nativity being December 25th, but that matter is so trivial that it doesn't merit any mention here.  If you really want to know how December 25th came to be Christmas, read this book.  But to think like an historian for a moment, put yourselves in the place of these First Century shepherds and wonder.

If everything in the written record of that night is literally true, these men had experienced something that would change them forever.  More than likely these men were Jews, and as Jewish males, they would have been expected to be educated in the Law even if they were never taught to read or write.  In fact, most folks could not read or write back then which made this society a society of stories and the spoken word (what we would call the oral tradition).  So imagine that as you grew up, each time you went to temple you would hear these stories about Yahweh, the patriarchs, the prophets, and the promise of Messiah.  Every Sabbath you would be told the same stories again and again, seemingly without any physical conformation that these stories are true.  There had been no prophet in Israel for about 400 years at that point.  Perhaps these stories melded more into legend than history for one of these shepherds.  You have grown up in poverty and by adulthood there you remain.  You take a job as a shepherd just to stay alive.  You are forced to follow a flock of some of the dumbest creatures in existence, to maintain your own existence.  Your people and your culture are oppressed by a foreign power.  Where is this Yahweh that my forebears always talked about.  Obviously He has either forsaken us, or was never real to begin with.

Years pass.

And then one night, something miraculous happens.  Half-asleep you stir because you hear the sheep bleating.  You turn over and see a bright light in the sky.  As you rub the sleep from your eyes you squint and see a figure.  A bright, glorious figure.  "Perhaps I am dreaming?" you think to yourself, but then your coworkers wake up and stare at the same figure in the sky.  And then it speaks to you!  "Do not be afraid," the figure says.  Words loud and clear as a bell.  "I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.  And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger."

You stare at the figure for a moment, taking in every word that you have just heard.  Your heart and mind race in tandem.  All of those stories that you heard as a child.  The history that mixed with myth in your imagination.  All of this begins to melt away into a cold reality that what you are seeing is more real than every moment of your entire past.  And then to obliterate any final shreds of doubt, the sky opens up, and the solitary figure is joined by a multitude, and a choir of thousands of these figures begins to sing, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased."

"Yahweh." you whisper.  "The stories were true!  The Messiah is here in this time, and in this town."  You and your friends run with full abandon to the place where the angel proclaimed they would find the Messiah.  You race through the Podunk town of Bethlehem scouring every stable around until you come across a couple and their newborn son.  The smell of the stable floods your nostrils.  The sounds of the animals, the baby cooing, the mother breathing, your own heartbeat are recording in the database of your mind.  And then you walk up to the manger and see exactly what you were told what you would see.  The Messiah.  The mother tells you his name is Jesus, "God is Salvation."  You fall to your knees before the infant and weep.  All of the doubts, the hurt, the abuse, the self-deprecation, the lies and the abandonment have died.  In a flurry of emotion you touch the infants hand and kiss it.  You look to the mother and hug her.  You utter a prayer of thanksgiving to Yahweh.  Your friends do likewise.  For in this very moment, the myth has become true.  The stories that gave you hope as a child have been verified.  You have seen, smelt, heard and touched the Savior of the World.  And you will never be the same.  It's no wonder that the writer of this account closes this scene with, "And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them."  Would you not do the same?

We take for granted in our current century the luxuries of writing, video, archives, and photography when it comes to history, and often this clouds our minds and shapes our judgments when dealing with the past.  But human beings are human beings and will continue to be human beings.  We all have the same physical and emotional needs.  We all struggle with the rigors of eking out an existence in this cold, cruel world.  We all desire to be fully known and fully loved, and unconditionally.  Just like those shepherds of old, perhaps you've heard this story time and time again, but as the years have gone by you have let them mix with myth and legend.  You haven't witnessed God prove His existence, and the very question of His existence is no longer worth trifling with.  But if we are to consider for a moment that this story is true and happened in space-time history, if we are to open our minds and wonder what the ramifications of this event mean for us today, perhaps those same doubts, hurt, abuse, self-deprecation, lies, and abandonment that those shepherds may have felt begin to melt away in your own mind, and you begin to reassess those old stories and wonder...

"There's only one reason to believe in Christianity: because it is true."  - Francis Schaeffer