"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates
My biggest complication in this life is me. If you read my facebook profile you'll notice that the "about me" section begins with "I'm one of those tortured composer-types." and ends with the Prayer of St. Francis. Seems like quite a big contradiction doesn't it? This is a perfect example of how I am. I tend to be dominated by the current emotion/feeling that I am encountering and I experience it in full force, but at some point I have moved beyond it to something else. I'm sure there are a number of mental diagnoses and labels that you could give me for my overall "moodiness," but there's something beneath the surface of my existential life that confronts my emotions, and each moment it's something different.
On the surface, my days are pretty unchanging, almost monotonously familiar. I do the same thing with little resistance from outside factors or forces, come home and "decompress" and then go to bed. It would seem that such a daily routine would cause little change in how I react to these situations, but that something beneath the surface is constantly agitated and then sends me into a different direction.
For those of you who haven't spoken with me in a while, I have been dealing with random health problems for over a year. I've had multiple doctors visits which included blood tests, x-rays, prescriptions and scans, which have lessened my symptoms, but nothing has "cured" me. I had spent almost $2000 because of my horrible health insurance trying to get "better" and every time the test results came back, the results were always normal. More than likely all of this happened because of stress from my horrible job at the auction company, so I was anxious to see the results of the stress-freedom that was to come with my current job, but I've been "stress-free" for 4 months now and nothing has changed. My health is an agitation.
Another agitation is music. I have been doing music for about 10 years now and each year since I graduated from school I have been doing it more and more professionally. I have song ideas and ambitions that take me all over the place, musically, emotionally, spiritually. I am the choir director at my church and get to share my knowledge and ability with others. Music is a constant companion and motivator to "live life" in many ways. It also can help me cope with stress, and other negative life impacts, encourage me, or drive me deeper into a current emotion. It is a volatile agitation.
Another agitation is fear. I'm afraid that my health is going to get worse. I'm afraid that if I try to spread my music again that it will fail miserably. I'm afraid to take action for fear of the consequences. This agitation , of course, can compliment of counteract with my other agitations. Very rarely does it actually benefit anyone (example: afraid to do something wrong because of the consequences of getting caught. This really doesn't fit me, but it's an example of fear having a good result).
Another agitation is reason. I will have days where I don't feel well and reason will kick in and remind me that I did something to myself which is why I don't feel good today. It will tell me that one idea or argument isn't worth accepting because of x, y, or z and that another one is better. It also prevents irrational delusions that I am dying of an unknown disease, that my wife is going to leave me, and that the world is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of space debris, formed over 200 years by Mormon cosmonauts who worked with the Illuminati and are enacting a New World Order. At the same time it prevents me from taking necessary risks that need to be taken in order to get my music out there. At least it's better than fear.
The last agitation is faith. Since I was 5, I have chosen to believe in a God who exists, interacts with His creation constantly, and loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for us to give us salvation and eternal life. I have no physical or scientific proof for these beliefs outside of The Bible. I do have past experiences where God has intervened in my life to draw upon. I also know people who have been radically changed by this same faith. But depending on the other agitations, usually this one gets the last seat at the table. My health usually gets first dibs.
Reason can be your best friend or your worst enemy, depending on how you treat her. If I can put all of my agitations on the same level, I can try to prioritize them properly and therefore maintain a more consistent reaction to life and all of its ups and downs. This blog is basically an attempt to do that, hence why it isn't very well put together or thought out. Perhaps you can skip reading this one since it's mostly for my own sake anyway. And of course built in with each agitation is a score of minor agitations that have weight and impact, but I have left them out of this post so it doesn't go on forever.
Anywho, I am not saying that one should live a life entirely based on reason. Heavens no! This would squelch any type of wonder, mystery or awe that exists so we can have those feelings and experiences. Also, reason can be used to directly oppose faith in a completely existential context, so it must be treated properly. Because at the end of the day (or at the end of time) what will you have to hold on to? What is there that actually lasts?
The Bible says that faith, hope and love will last. Not health. Not music. Not fear. And not even reason. So out of all of my agitations, only one of them has an everlasting impact. Perhaps this is the perspective that I've been needing. Let's just hope that I can hold onto it firmly when all of the other agitations gang up on it.
I've called this post surface deep because this is how we often live. We do not tend to delve into ourselves to root out the things we keep hidden because they affect us. We all have our agitations, each with their own virtues and vices, but we often just try to prod along and live on the surface, accepting each emotion and reaction as they come. But is this really living? Perhaps I am just trying to justify my mood swings, but in all honesty I am better when confronting the struggle than when I choose to ignore it (except for those instances when faith doesn't come out on top).
The point I'm trying to make is that you need to examine your agitations until faith comes out on top and gives you a new surface, one that is deeper and longer lasting than all of the others. Then live on this surface for as long as you can. I've been told this also is helpful in preventing mood swings. I'm still trying to get there myself.
