Surface Deep

"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates

   My biggest complication in this life is me.  If you read my facebook profile you'll notice that the "about me" section begins with "I'm one of those tortured composer-types." and ends with the Prayer of St. Francis.  Seems like quite a big contradiction doesn't it?  This is a perfect example of how I am.  I tend to be dominated by the current emotion/feeling that I am encountering and I experience it in full force, but at some point I have moved beyond it to something else.  I'm sure there are a number of mental diagnoses and labels that you could give me for my overall "moodiness," but there's something beneath the surface of my existential life that confronts my emotions, and each moment it's something different.

   On the surface, my days are pretty unchanging, almost monotonously familiar.  I do the same thing with little resistance from outside factors or forces, come home and "decompress" and then go to bed.  It would seem that such a daily routine would cause little change in how I react to these situations, but that something beneath the surface is constantly agitated and then sends me into a different direction.

   For those of you who haven't spoken with me in a while, I have been dealing with random health problems for over a year.  I've had multiple doctors visits which included blood tests, x-rays, prescriptions and scans, which have lessened my symptoms, but nothing has "cured" me.  I had spent almost $2000 because of my horrible health insurance trying to get "better" and every time the test results came back, the results were always normal.  More than likely all of this happened because of stress from my horrible job at the auction company, so I was anxious to see the results of the stress-freedom that was to come with my current job, but I've been "stress-free" for 4 months now and nothing has changed.  My health is an agitation.

   Another agitation is music.  I have been doing music for about 10 years now and each year since I graduated from school I have been doing it more and more professionally.  I have song ideas and  ambitions that take me all over the place, musically, emotionally, spiritually.  I am the choir director at my church and get to share my knowledge and ability with others.  Music is a constant companion and motivator to "live life" in many ways.  It also can help me cope with stress, and other negative life impacts, encourage me, or drive me deeper into a current emotion.  It is a volatile agitation.

   Another agitation is fear.  I'm afraid that my health is going to get worse.  I'm afraid that if I try to spread my music again that it will fail miserably.  I'm afraid to take action for fear of the consequences.  This agitation , of course, can compliment of counteract with my other agitations.  Very rarely does it actually benefit anyone (example: afraid to do something wrong because of the consequences of getting caught.  This really doesn't fit me, but it's an example of fear having a good result).

   Another agitation is reason.  I will have days where I don't feel well and reason will kick in and remind me that I did something to myself which is why I don't feel good today.  It will  tell me that one idea or argument isn't worth accepting because of x, y, or z and that another one is better.  It also prevents irrational delusions that I am dying of an unknown disease, that my wife is going to leave me, and that the world is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of space debris, formed over 200 years by Mormon cosmonauts who worked with the Illuminati and are enacting a New World Order.  At the same time it prevents me from taking necessary risks that need to be taken in order to get my music out there.   At least it's better than fear.

   The last agitation is faith.  Since I was 5, I have chosen to believe in a God who exists, interacts with His creation constantly, and loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for us to give us salvation and eternal life.  I have no physical or scientific proof for these beliefs outside of The Bible.  I do have past experiences where God has intervened in my life to draw upon.  I also know people who have been radically changed by this same faith.  But depending on the other agitations, usually this one gets the last seat at the table.  My health usually gets first dibs.

  Reason can be your best friend or your worst enemy, depending on how you treat her.  If I can put all of my agitations on the same level, I can try to prioritize them properly and therefore maintain a more consistent reaction to life and all of its ups and downs.  This blog is basically an attempt to do that, hence why it isn't very well put together or thought out.  Perhaps you can skip reading this one since it's mostly for my own sake anyway.  And of course built in with each agitation is a score of minor agitations that have weight and impact, but I have left them out of this post so it doesn't go on forever.

Anywho, I am not saying that one should live a life entirely based on reason.  Heavens no!  This would squelch any type of wonder, mystery or awe that exists so we can have those feelings and experiences.  Also, reason can be used to directly oppose faith in a completely existential context, so it must be treated properly.  Because at the end of the day (or at the end of time) what will you have to hold on to?  What is there that actually lasts?

   The Bible says that faith, hope and love will last.  Not health.  Not music. Not fear.  And not even reason.  So out of all of my agitations, only one of them has an everlasting impact.  Perhaps this is the perspective that I've been needing.  Let's just hope that I can hold onto it firmly when all of the other agitations gang up on it.

I've called this post surface deep because this is how we often live.  We do not tend to delve into ourselves to root out the things we keep hidden because they affect us.  We all have our agitations, each with their own virtues and vices, but we often just try to prod along and live on the surface, accepting each emotion and reaction as they come.  But is this really living?  Perhaps I am just trying to justify my mood swings, but in all honesty I am better when confronting the struggle than when I choose to ignore it (except for those instances when faith doesn't come out on top).  

The point I'm trying to make is that you need to examine your agitations until faith comes out on top and gives you a new surface, one that is deeper and longer lasting than all of the others.  Then live on this surface for as long as you can.  I've been told this also is helpful in preventing mood swings.  I'm still trying to get there myself.

The Trouble with Beauty

beau·ty

   [byoo-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural -ties.

1.

the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

com·mod·i·ty

   [kuh-mod-i-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural -ties.

1.

an article of trade or commerce, especially a product as distinguished from a service.

2.

something of use, advantage, or value.

     Obviously these are two very separate things, but my problem , and probably the rest of the Western world's problem, is that we often can't distinguish the two.  Mostly because any "thing" that contains the quality of beauty is instantly something that can be exploited for personal gain regardless of what that "thing" is.   Our culture is incessant on finding what is beautiful, keeping it "set apart" from the average, maintaining its appearance of being unobtainable and keeping the image propped up in worship for as long as it is marketable.  All-the-while, someone is making money behind the scenes, orchestrating the minute details to keep the cash cow from croaking.  


     I'm sure all of you can come up with many examples of this scenario.  This idea has permeated into every avenue of life, secular or sacred.  We've taken from a created world, objects of God's creation (everything from nature to people, places, objects, art, music, talent, ideas) and have marketed it as our own creation, whether publicly or secretly.  


    Why is this?  Shouldn't something that contains "personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest" not be exploited, but appreciated as having values worthy of appreciation?  Of course this is the image/idea of modern Western civilization of beauty, but only as a marketing strategy.  This of course, threatens the very essence of beauty.  It has transformed the definition.  No longer is the idea of beauty intrinsic, as if it were created that way and should be maintained.  On the contrary, something that contains beauty should be "shared with the world" in order to turn a profit, not because the world is incapable of recognizing that beauty.


    I had the privilege of talking with Joan Tower a few years back.  She is a well-known American composer of classical music and her works have been performed alongside many masters of classical music, all men and long dead.  I asked her what she did to "make it" in the music industry, albeit the classical music industry.  Her response was unexpected, "I just went home and  wrote the best music I possibly could.  Good music will be found and appreciated by the world for what it is.  Marketing is for people without talent."


    So here lies the cross-roads when it comes to beauty.  The entrepreneur shall ask in his/her mind, "Here is something that the whole world will appreciate.  Therefore I must be the first one to control its exposure before someone else can cash in on the opportunity." 


    At the same time, we have used the same marketing strategy to convince people that "things" have beauty and in reality they have nothing of the sort.  Think about all of the people that we give celebrity status, how they are portrayed in TV shows or movies and compare it to their actual personalities or contributions to society.  Think about the plethora of uninspired art, both visual and performing, in which the exercise of creativity has been transformed into a formula which can be reused again and again.  Think about how many times the media tries to convince you that a spade isn't a spade, but is actually the one thing that everyone who is anyone must have.


    There was a story told long ago about a boy who wanted a goldfish from a pet store.  Every time he would pass by the pet store, the goldfish would be on display in the store window in an elaborate aquarium, surrounded by craggy rocks, sunken pirate ships and exotic plants.  The boy would watch the fish continuously swim from side to side in what he perceived as an elegant dance miles below the ocean's surface.  As his mother jerked his arm to keep them on schedule with their daily errands, he would beg and plead with her to buy him the goldfish.  His mother told him that she didn't have the money for it and that if he wanted the goldfish that badly that he should find a way to earn enough money to purchase it for himself.  Later that week the boy began collecting cans and bottles from every trash can in town in order to turn his labors into recycled cash.  After 2 weeks of rummaging through filth and grime, scavenging every corner of the town just to find another 1 cent can or bottle, the boy had earned enough money to purchase the goldfish.  As soon as he realized this, he persuaded his mother to take him to the pet shop in order to purchase the object of his affection that he so tirelessly had worked to obtain.  The moment finally came when the boy handed over his hard-earned money to the clerk in exchange for the golden image that constantly danced to boy's delight.  But the boy's heart immediately grew troubled when the clerk handed him a plastic bag containing a tiny orange fish that simply floated in the same small space with a blank expression.  The boy began to cry.  His mother was baffled at her son's reaction to the thing that he regarded as so wonderful.  "Son, what is the matter?" she asked flabbergasted.  "Mommy, this isn't what I wanted." the boy replied.  "I wanted the dancing fish that lived beneath the ocean with the pirate ship and plants."  "Son," his mother responded, "this is that very same fish that you saw in the window.  It's just in its purest form.  There is nothing else to enhance its desirability.  It is simply a goldfish."   


    The trouble with beauty is that it has been so distorted by the company that it has been forced to keep that it is no longer recognized as what it is or once was.  It is now commodity; something that can be marketed and exploited for personal gain.  This broken world still contains objects of beauty because God created this world and called it "good".  In a true response to this creation, we must approach everything with a sense of awe and wonder, methodically differentiating true beauty from imitation.  And then once that beauty is discovered, to appreciate it in its purest form; one that seems to transcend this material world and containing a spark of the Divine.  Only then can we see the world, and its inhabitants the way the God saw it when He pronounced it "good".